July 31, 09 -
Went to massage for 2 hours. Energized once again. Dinner tonight.

July 30, 09 -
First attempt to explore sai wan. Bought some simple food to cook. Stayed home to read and watch TV. TV saids you have to be pretty, smart, white, and skinny to survive in HK. TV saids it's right to be materialistic. TV saids you guys are all dummys watch me more. Turned off cellphone. Can't be bothered.

July 29, 09 -
Flight took 12 hours from Vancouver. Didn't even look at the time since there was no rush. Why was I going back again?
Arrived to HK at 8:00. Bought 3 packs of Capri for $40. Thought about smoking at the lounge but went on with transporting myself home instead. Took MTR then taxi home. The cab driver helped me store and retrieve my luggage and did a U-turn for me. Seems pretty nice. Arrive at the lonely apartment at 10ish.

He sits up there and stares down at you. Yes you are being watched. You love him but he doesn't care about that. You try hard to reach him but he stares down, just stares down at you. You scream and cry and try to kill yourself but he just watches in silence. You are hurting, you feel pain like needles injecting water bombs in your heart, you crouch down holding on to your knees to put pressure on your body so it would stop shaking. You scream and cough and cry with tears pouring down your face, then you sob catching your breath, then you sniffle, then you become tearless, and you stand up holding on to the glass walls. You stare hard back at him with hate, the hate burns you like fire coming from your intestines and liver. You punch the glass hard, making your hands bleed and it hurts you even more. The glass do not move. Then...

"I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am"
Cutting, poking, fucking, sleeping, fingering, piercing, drinking, smoking, dying, licking, crying, hitting, banging, fighting, hiding, faking, talking, crapping, shaking, ironing, peeing, emptying, jumping, vomiting
I ask myself what the hell am I doing and I can't find an answer stop blaming others not treating you right you don't even know how to treat yourself right
Use others for the falsifying feelings of cloudiness
We surround each other and we don't understand each other
You try to eat my mind but It's closed and I am sorry
I lie on the bed with my eyes open staring in emptyness or was I staring at my own soul
The phone, the emails, the writings, the words, the pain, the floods, the promises, fuck promises and fuck love
You swim and I swim, I sit alone and close my door, can you stop knocking, can you stop calling my name, analyze me analyze my shit analyze my positioning, understand me understand you understand everyone and who are you
Food, alcohol, water, sickness, headaches, slow down, speed up, can you cook for me? can you cut my hair? can you kiss me hug me and slap me?
I read I read and you want to read, I stand you follow, you are the lapdog, when I walk into the room everything disappears and melts and you follow
Empty minds, hollow souls, cutting food preparing food iron all the shirts, download useless crap, I read I read, I hide, I am lost and forgotten in the middle of the maze made of spirals and spirals and circles
Why is it wrong why because I am unhappy and sadness surrounds the laughing me I laugh my head off and tears come out messing up my mascara
My hands are dry and you smear sweet flowery lotion on my hands; my lips are chapped and you kiss me with slick lipgloss; I am sad I am sick you; cry for me; I scream and you give me honey with water; I hit my head on the wall and blackout while you hold me