(shhhh....i try so hard to fill up my emptiness...i cooked, almost exploding the kitchen, i walked the streets until there was no one interested in me, i slept in any random dickless places, i talked to old people until they got annoyed, i jumped until my hands shooked, i screamed until i was voiceless, i walked until i felt into the ditch; i cut until the blood flowed forever, i jumped until there was no ground, i burned forever, no not because of you jesus, but because you hate me)

Your problem (I can almost hear you say), is your lack of reality about the whole situation. Look at you! Your cellulites are showing and your fine wrinkles are making their way through your dry skin! Yeah we talk about minds and spirituality but does the average person give a shit? Common, would you date a saint from the last century, admiring his corpse, imagining his shrunken penis and get jealous with the pathetic tities that he has ever licked? We say we hate those materialistic bitches but you know what, here I go, yes I love them, I love their brainlessness to the max and hate those stupid thinkers who pretend they are so full of theories, and by that I mean YOU. Oh and oh, your hair looks stupid and I don't want to show your face to anyone I know.
(with that statement, someone came in and smashed all the windows and shattered all the glasswares available in sight. you hide under the table shivering. that someone someone, a saint from the past, appears, with his shrunkened dick and hollow body, with egyptian style wrappings around his thin chest, walked up, took my hand, and walked me out of the trashed bar.)

In the end, the silence continued and there was no conclusion. The heart continues to erode through the years of confusion, disorientation, and disturbance. The mind loses concern over the body's action while the value system fails and the line of limitation falls below zero. The repetitiveness of the sink and float cycle no longer interfere with the actions. There are no emotions felt. The coward at the end chooses the mixture of tiny tablets with poison. This was one courageous choice which was the most powerful, effective, and enduring moment of life. The
irreversible action led to sorrowness by those who had a heart lacking in vocal presence. Yet the busy mind returns to sought after what was important, and so he thought. Never even realizing the complex metaphor which waited to be explored.

Large brown eggs, small white eggs, eggs with calcium, eggs with vitamin A, eggs with melatonin for a good night's sleep and cow's milk for those alergic to goat's milk, eggs with spiritual enlightment, eggs with behaviour altering effects, eggs with a voice which talks to you about your inner feelings and your career goals, eggs with literature review, eggs with political viewpoints, eggs with calming effect, eggs with ambition to guide you through the caves where no one has step foot in before.

One large scrambled, two hard-boiled, three easy over, four spiced up, five burried in rocks, six with placentas, seven with chick eyes, eight with siamese twins, nine with type b personality, ten with fallopian tubes.

我是那個離組人員
沒有被發現也沒有人要跟我團圓
我偶然會把你想起但我沒太大勇氣
其實也遺忘何時跟你一起
我沒有動人面孔也不會太易服從
立場我早已說明但有太多不滿的事情

我想把右手敲斷 看看你會否有點不滿
我想從高處墮下 看看你會否重視我的日記
我想流血至死 看看你會否把我記起

努力前進 隱影的人 過度開心
放掉輕心 失去重點 不理危險
(然後)

Sabotage by Beastie Boys

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In Here
'Cause Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear
So, While You Sit Back And Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My God, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

So,So,So, So Listen Up 'Cause You Can't Say Nothin'
You Shut Me Down With A Push Of Your Button
But yo, I'm Out And I'm Gone
I'll Tell You Now I Keep It On And On dam!

'Cause What You See You Might Not Get
And We Can Bet, So Don't You Get Souped Yet
Scheming On A Thing That's A Mirage
I'm Tryin' To Tell You Now It's Sabotage

Why; Our Backs Are Now Against The Wall
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All of Y'all This Is Sabotage

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place
Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face
But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel
I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly OffmThe Handle
What Could It Be, It's all a Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing That's Sabotage

Variable reinforcement schedule
we ought to spend more time thinking about this.
variable x = random reinforcement schedule X unpredictability of behaviour
let us try this:
we give at random intervals, which means I give you food at unknown times, so you will come back again and again since there is a history of me giving you goodies, but not everytime, of course you will go to other more reliable sources, but those reliable sources may end due to lack of resources or boredom; and so you will still come back to see whether I can provide sweets for you when those reliable resources run out; but at the same time I do not provide to you every time; I just might provide to you. And just the principle of this gets you hooked on requesting from me since you think if you request 100 times there must be at least 1 time that I will respond; but then you don't know my schedule, and so you get frustrated and all these negativeness thoughts occur. so beg me, beg me and maybe i will tell you my schedule of reinforcement.

we are born, we meet, we live, we interact, we love
you feed me, you hold me, you support my weight, you inspire me, you hold me, you open doors, you tell, you restrict, you allow, you teach, you breath, beside me, and let me know, you are my elderly, existence of knowledge, in which I cannot, live without
and your absence, your non existence, your absence your absence in every event in the timeline of my life, can I spare some of my time just to be with you? I love you so.

Forrest, warmness, colours, nature, a glass cubical floating in an urban space,i want to go to tibet, i want to try...sleeping waking, can i try being without materials? 5 days. would anyone go with me?

是由於太煩忙是由於不想花心幾是由於害怕
是由於過分複集是由於沒理由
所以沒找你所以失去某點什麼
我害怕你不關心害怕你沒想起害怕我不是誰人
說出後結果沒改變吧

I tried, I am not an explicit teller, a fortune teller, a leader,
I love all the beautiful people i have met, am i one to you?
did you know my existence shattered when you forgot to hold me when i fall?
it broke
me
in
to
tiny
un
cur
able
pieces....
i cry and i cry and i cried...
there is a hole which has never been tried to
be fixed by you your busy schedule and i try to follow
the same stupid fucking stupid schedule of yours and
meet our material needs do i really care about diamond studded sofas
when my internal organs are wrapped with vines but you have
never noticed do you know the neurons looses its orbital power in states of sub zero climate and square pupils are beautiful

這樣的程況沒可能不令人聯想起暴力的需求
是要對著頭部狠狠的擊下去的強烈需求
我看著你門的動作跟著用拳頭打下去
頭蓋起樓了你知嗎但只發泄了一半
從復地來回十片便累了睡著

零晨三時六分起來把盛如的酒精喝下

零晨三時三十分起來嘔吐後再開新的玻璃瓶

什麼動人的廢話
什麼耗盡的情感
對著擦破心藏的人言語變成淺藍色的圖案
但圖案早被愚鈍的深黑色掩蓋

(oh and also, can you just blow it so it's a death blow instead of cutting me piece by piece by making me wear some tight criss cross leggings and cutting those fat pieces of stuck out meat with a dull knife? not that i really mind but it surely takes an awefully long time and soon enough you'll compain that stupid knife of yours won't cut well enough and you'll lose patience on the whole thing and i'll just be sitting here while you think of other ways... and not that i don't love you to know you aren't smart enough but i just hate sitting and waiting. i can't even wait for a haircut which at most takes an hour. oh shit i minorly complained. so yes continue to use your dull knife while i eat a buttered up piece of shitty slice and pretend the whole thing is fun as hell. yes funner than your fucking family.)

(hey hey when you smash my head, can you smash it against something flat like a cement wall or a wooden table? I don't like pointy surfaces like the corner of that metal table or the fridge door. Can you also do it in multiple strikes instead of random intervals cause it's more soothing. Thanks.)

MERRY-GO-ROUND, originally uploaded by drwalley.

Can you take me to an abandoned merry go round?
What happened to the delicate transparent ferris wheel that took us up above the mountains and into the darkness of the sky lite up with ten thousand stars?
When did we start to plan our trip to the deepest forrest where the Maya ancient temple erect? To breath in the religion of Tibetans, to wait in sub zero from midnite for auroras, to touch the narwhales, to feel the presence of spirits from rotten totems? When did we abandon our plans just like the merry go round, forgotten, between the tall grass at the park where no one visited?
When did the little particles of living took over and consumed our minds and took over our bodies?
To the deepest cave, I want to be with you, and live, in the simplest form, and lay down, departing, the, rest, of, you, we, go.

- do you have problems understanding social cues?
- we love high tech stuff cause we can be left in solitude, the inventions of isolation with virutal artifical social networks, our own special creative identity creations
- we hate sleep cause it makes us think and it lets our brains speak freely
- we want to break rules, we want to create bruises, we pretend to have control while we bleed
- we sent sms in class, we sleep and write poems and think about sex and dicks

soho, lanterns, pigs buscuits, plastic flowers, bald head dudes, reds (lots of), openers, unicorn flashy paperness, top ten books, cigarettes, deep red colours, more red and pink artificial paints, rain, soaked shoes, maps, thoughts around thoughts, missed calls, cheese, blue rides, do you know what i mean?

We love China Music.
索朗扎西 - 姑娘我爱你
徐千雅- - 坐上火车去拉萨
陳妃平 - 想一個人多麼苦
西藏之恋
月亮之上 凤凰传奇