Can you take me to an abandoned merry go round?
What happened to the delicate transparent ferris wheel that took us up above the mountains and into the darkness of the sky lite up with ten thousand stars?
When did we start to plan our trip to the deepest forrest where the Maya ancient temple erect? To breath in the religion of Tibetans, to wait in sub zero from midnite for auroras, to touch the narwhales, to feel the presence of spirits from rotten totems? When did we abandon our plans just like the merry go round, forgotten, between the tall grass at the park where no one visited?
When did the little particles of living took over and consumed our minds and took over our bodies?
To the deepest cave, I want to be with you, and live, in the simplest form, and lay down, departing, the, rest, of, you, we, go.
- do you have problems understanding social cues?
- we love high tech stuff cause we can be left in solitude, the inventions of isolation with virutal artifical social networks, our own special creative identity creations
- we hate sleep cause it makes us think and it lets our brains speak freely
- we want to break rules, we want to create bruises, we pretend to have control while we bleed
- we sent sms in class, we sleep and write poems and think about sex and dicks
soho, lanterns, pigs buscuits, plastic flowers, bald head dudes, reds (lots of), openers, unicorn flashy paperness, top ten books, cigarettes, deep red colours, more red and pink artificial paints, rain, soaked shoes, maps, thoughts around thoughts, missed calls, cheese, blue rides, do you know what i mean?
Lies. Hidden secrets. (Putting your dick in married women.) Abstinence. Commitment. Past tense. Present tense. (Fellatio with co-worker.) Property purchasing. Multi-function toilets with music, heat, and water to wash your ass. Cigarrettes. Pink floyd converse and cds. (Masterbate to underage girls with fake tits.) Stripe shirts. Checkered shirts. Shiny shoes. Stuttering. Gelled hair. (Touching her young flat chest.) Words. Talk. Treat me to dinner. Treat me red wine. Treat me flowers and chocolates. (Digging nails into his white ass.) Monetary value. Automobile purchasing. High-end classic diamond watches. King size beds. Double king size beds with red wooden poles and pearl studs. Bird nests. Snake skins. Fox fur. Elephant bones. (Call up a hooker and watch her use the pink fat vibrator.) Pain-killers. Vitamins. Aspirin. (Amphetimines, MDMA, powders.) Smooth skin. Pale skin. Perfect body. Perfect soul. (Nicotine stained lungs, rotten teeth, broken hearts, multiple addictions.) Knock knock. Who is there? Just a liar and an empty soul.
July 31, 09 -
Went to massage for 2 hours. Energized once again. Dinner tonight.
July 30, 09 -
First attempt to explore sai wan. Bought some simple food to cook. Stayed home to read and watch TV. TV saids you have to be pretty, smart, white, and skinny to survive in HK. TV saids it's right to be materialistic. TV saids you guys are all dummys watch me more. Turned off cellphone. Can't be bothered.
July 29, 09 -
Flight took 12 hours from Vancouver. Didn't even look at the time since there was no rush. Why was I going back again?
Arrived to HK at 8:00. Bought 3 packs of Capri for $40. Thought about smoking at the lounge but went on with transporting myself home instead. Took MTR then taxi home. The cab driver helped me store and retrieve my luggage and did a U-turn for me. Seems pretty nice. Arrive at the lonely apartment at 10ish.
Went to massage for 2 hours. Energized once again. Dinner tonight.
July 30, 09 -
First attempt to explore sai wan. Bought some simple food to cook. Stayed home to read and watch TV. TV saids you have to be pretty, smart, white, and skinny to survive in HK. TV saids it's right to be materialistic. TV saids you guys are all dummys watch me more. Turned off cellphone. Can't be bothered.
July 29, 09 -
Flight took 12 hours from Vancouver. Didn't even look at the time since there was no rush. Why was I going back again?
Arrived to HK at 8:00. Bought 3 packs of Capri for $40. Thought about smoking at the lounge but went on with transporting myself home instead. Took MTR then taxi home. The cab driver helped me store and retrieve my luggage and did a U-turn for me. Seems pretty nice. Arrive at the lonely apartment at 10ish.
He sits up there and stares down at you. Yes you are being watched. You love him but he doesn't care about that. You try hard to reach him but he stares down, just stares down at you. You scream and cry and try to kill yourself but he just watches in silence. You are hurting, you feel pain like needles injecting water bombs in your heart, you crouch down holding on to your knees to put pressure on your body so it would stop shaking. You scream and cough and cry with tears pouring down your face, then you sob catching your breath, then you sniffle, then you become tearless, and you stand up holding on to the glass walls. You stare hard back at him with hate, the hate burns you like fire coming from your intestines and liver. You punch the glass hard, making your hands bleed and it hurts you even more. The glass do not move. Then...
"I am whatever you say I am, if I wasn't then why would I say I am"
Cutting, poking, fucking, sleeping, fingering, piercing, drinking, smoking, dying, licking, crying, hitting, banging, fighting, hiding, faking, talking, crapping, shaking, ironing, peeing, emptying, jumping, vomiting
I ask myself what the hell am I doing and I can't find an answer stop blaming others not treating you right you don't even know how to treat yourself right
Use others for the falsifying feelings of cloudiness
We surround each other and we don't understand each other
You try to eat my mind but It's closed and I am sorry
I lie on the bed with my eyes open staring in emptyness or was I staring at my own soul
The phone, the emails, the writings, the words, the pain, the floods, the promises, fuck promises and fuck love
You swim and I swim, I sit alone and close my door, can you stop knocking, can you stop calling my name, analyze me analyze my shit analyze my positioning, understand me understand you understand everyone and who are you
Food, alcohol, water, sickness, headaches, slow down, speed up, can you cook for me? can you cut my hair? can you kiss me hug me and slap me?
I read I read and you want to read, I stand you follow, you are the lapdog, when I walk into the room everything disappears and melts and you follow
Empty minds, hollow souls, cutting food preparing food iron all the shirts, download useless crap, I read I read, I hide, I am lost and forgotten in the middle of the maze made of spirals and spirals and circles
Why is it wrong why because I am unhappy and sadness surrounds the laughing me I laugh my head off and tears come out messing up my mascara
My hands are dry and you smear sweet flowery lotion on my hands; my lips are chapped and you kiss me with slick lipgloss; I am sad I am sick you; cry for me; I scream and you give me honey with water; I hit my head on the wall and blackout while you hold me
Wooden door
I found the crimson door in the yard of an abandoned temple
The intricate carvings of an enigma waiting to be solved
The dusts of an era rest lightly on the surface
The handle is a globe lying within a delicate intertwined design
The eternal blackhole lies below the handle like your belly button
The benevolence, the infinite love
My tears float in the air before it drops on the door
The mystery will rest in the garden of deep secret until the last eclipse of our time.
Not so random randomness is happening and can be stopped but unknowningly lingering in the subconcious mind where your effort is non activity and yet the effect is omnipresent. Trying harder means physical destruction which may be observable with the explaination of hidden mental fluxuation spelled out unnecessarily.
The End of the Road by John Barth (1958)
pg 36 "a day without weather is unthinkable, but for me at least there were frequently days without any mood at all. On these days Jacob Horner, except in a meaningless metabolistic sense, ceased to exist, for I was without a personality. Like those microscopic specimens that biologists must dye in order to make them visible at all, I had to be colored with some mood or other if there was to be a recognizable self to me"
pg 85 "Take a day job, preferably factory work, but not so simple that you are able to think coherently while working. Something involving sequential operations would be nice. Go out in the evenings; play cards with people.....Exercise frequently. Take long walks but always to a previously determined destination, and when you get there, walk right home again, briskly...Don't get married or have love affairs yet: if you aren't courageous enough to hire prostitutes, then take up masturbation temporarily. Above all, act impulsively: don't let yourself get stuck between alternatives, or you're lost. You're not that strong. If alternatives are side by side, choose the one on the left; if they're consecutive in time, choose the earlier. If neither of these applies, choose the alternative whose name begins with the earlier letter of the alphabet. These are the principles of Sinistrality, Antecedence, and Alphabetical Priority."
pg 136 "...the greatest radical in any society is the man who sees all the arbitrariness of the rules and social conventions, but who has such a great scorn or disregard for the society he lives in that he embraces the whole wagonload of nonsense with a smile. The greatest rebel is the man who wouldn't change society for anything in the world."
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