I paid for your confidence, in cash, and now I am stripped with mine, which I paid in death, together, I paid for everything in cash, death, dignity, and you made a fool of me.

My dream is to live in the house of anti-christ, will you come with me?  I will stab myself to death, or I will swallow all the pills because I don't know how to start a fire, or maybe I do.  I will do it when it's convenient for everyone, so you can attend my funeral, I am scared of being lonely, I admit, I do all sorts of stupid moves when I am drunk, I cry no one will attempt to solve my enigma, so what?  Texas, maybe, that will be a good time, fuck all the BxT selfish bitches.  We are all here to make a fortune, and won't it be a fortune if a T cannot analyze its fucking self?  (because my xxxxxand would rather fxxk x xxxxxr) I tried, didn't I?

Confirming.
Confirming what your fears are.  Betrayal, reveal, lies, hurting, stabbing, it hurts most when your most treasured, your deepest fears, your nightmares, comes to life.  Am I scared of ghosts, hidden shadows, thoughts grabbing my throat, sneaking in the dark corners, no, because of love.  Now that there is no true love, when you know love only lasts one hour, or was it thirty minutes, when your dick was in me, what is it beyond that?  What am I frightened of then, my prayers to god, I believe, can you give me strength to move away from the things that hurt me?  To walk this way alone?  I can, please help me stay strong.

I love you, for the rest of my life.

I love you.

The morning dew gives off an enlightenment, almost falling off the tip of the leaves and it hangs, crystal like, shinning, hopeful, then it shakes, and all has fallen.  It was never long lasting.  It was just a moment, of nothingness, of nothing, of not-a-thing.  The end, since it never even occurred.

This and that and this and that. I re-read and found out what has been faded. It was stronger, than, nothing. Past "fool", past "castles", past "beginnings", all the cards which have been forgotten. The phrophecy, the irony, the imbecile, and the imbecilic me. I still remembered when she said the word. I still remember when you spelled the word. I still remembered. How uninteresting it gets when I don't even try. I don't try. And. It's. Just. Ends.

We devoured ourselves with our immense love (and so we thought at that time) oh how deeply we drown free falling into this jello-like liquid sinking into a hole of unknown darkness with sparkles lighting up our thoughts covered our minds mesmerized our souls sold to the lovers at that moment in time.  Our pupils dialate our hairs flowing our breath tender and perplex we fall into a trance state where all else is black like the well of the ancients and so we call softly to our lovers and we draw out our hearts with bare hands handing it to them hoping in return of some warmth we beg until our knees bleed our foreheads crack open oh how we long for the return of some warmth.

It's simple when they hide in caves and chewed all those ancient plantations making the sensation appear and spitting them out inventing shadows appear like ants at work, wolves howling, fingers grabbing and dragons spiraling. One hundred million years later, we crawl on all fours and grew up walking on two limbs and we have been inspired. By the blood spat out, by the tiny gaps you katzenjammers have squeezed through to paint those chutzpahs made from dollops, we ponder and ponder on why the fuck you did that.

Review and analyze. Review and evaluate. Review and look. Review and review. Eyeing all the captured and eyeing all that has been accomplished and completed. And then conclude. The details of scars, hurts, bloatedness, puffiness; the detail of wrong shampoo, oily hair; the drunkenness, the up-turned eyeballs, the flips of lips, the pretend of nothingness. Great job. *SNAP* *SMILE* here we go again. Don't want the emotions? It doesn't involve emotions. Just smile or the food: sashimi, homemade, rich, dense, bubbly, condense, healthy, organic, fatness. The people: eating, smiling, faking, hugging, contaging. It's ok, we know, what happened, how it happened, and the details of emotions leading to the concreteness of the evidence.

hey you know you know, i wasnt done with the eggs. there were still the perserved lemons in the corners there. here we go. deep fried rotten lemons. ketchup lemon cheesy sticks. cow intestine fed lemons. fellatio lemon suckers. lemon for fungus growth. lemon for cancer patients. swollen lemon inserts. hallaluah lemon bibles. lickidy yah yah acid C juice. lemon Es. lemon Acidic stamps. Enough enough. dead lemon wins.

Dark spirits fly. Towards the single soul alive. Destroying every part of it intentionally. The darkness engulf. Including light. Including every intent. Including the sorrow, the heart, the blood cells, the sun, the universe that lives within and so. And so it did.

Abandoned places, trashed, used, sorrowful, lost, ancient, broken like the ejected lung, like the lost minds, like the suicidal thoughts that lurked in the back of your mind which never subsided.
Then the day appeared where every thought solidified as real as the sensitivity of your scar. The exisitence, the omnipresence of pain, the descent of the enduring fallenness. We shattered into pieces then we rose once again as a fragmented vase, as a fragmented ashtray, as a fragmented urinal. Then poke. We shattered once more. As easily as we fragmented. But who cares.

We studied the map starring at it for a few hours trying hard to figure out where we are where we want to go and then suddenly you pointed a finger to an island to the destination Naha it saids Naha. where the ancient structures once erected where the suicidal clan subsided where the culture sunk deep down to the eclipse of time to the blind spot of humanity to the amnesia state of the mind. we walked close then we departed to our separate ways never getting close to the destination aimed we walked further apart forgeting the teachings of the guru who buried deep down with the eternal knowledge which would not be exposed to the minds for another ten thousand years. i slept i dreamt i crawl upwards swimming a thousand miles to reach shore i walked a hundred miles to reach society i stutterred a ten years to explain i stood here for one hundred years just wanting to say. what i wanted to say. to you. today.

(shhhh....i try so hard to fill up my emptiness...i cooked, almost exploding the kitchen, i walked the streets until there was no one interested in me, i slept in any random dickless places, i talked to old people until they got annoyed, i jumped until my hands shooked, i screamed until i was voiceless, i walked until i felt into the ditch; i cut until the blood flowed forever, i jumped until there was no ground, i burned forever, no not because of you jesus, but because you hate me)

Your problem (I can almost hear you say), is your lack of reality about the whole situation. Look at you! Your cellulites are showing and your fine wrinkles are making their way through your dry skin! Yeah we talk about minds and spirituality but does the average person give a shit? Common, would you date a saint from the last century, admiring his corpse, imagining his shrunken penis and get jealous with the pathetic tities that he has ever licked? We say we hate those materialistic bitches but you know what, here I go, yes I love them, I love their brainlessness to the max and hate those stupid thinkers who pretend they are so full of theories, and by that I mean YOU. Oh and oh, your hair looks stupid and I don't want to show your face to anyone I know.
(with that statement, someone came in and smashed all the windows and shattered all the glasswares available in sight. you hide under the table shivering. that someone someone, a saint from the past, appears, with his shrunkened dick and hollow body, with egyptian style wrappings around his thin chest, walked up, took my hand, and walked me out of the trashed bar.)

In the end, the silence continued and there was no conclusion. The heart continues to erode through the years of confusion, disorientation, and disturbance. The mind loses concern over the body's action while the value system fails and the line of limitation falls below zero. The repetitiveness of the sink and float cycle no longer interfere with the actions. There are no emotions felt. The coward at the end chooses the mixture of tiny tablets with poison. This was one courageous choice which was the most powerful, effective, and enduring moment of life. The
irreversible action led to sorrowness by those who had a heart lacking in vocal presence. Yet the busy mind returns to sought after what was important, and so he thought. Never even realizing the complex metaphor which waited to be explored.

Large brown eggs, small white eggs, eggs with calcium, eggs with vitamin A, eggs with melatonin for a good night's sleep and cow's milk for those alergic to goat's milk, eggs with spiritual enlightment, eggs with behaviour altering effects, eggs with a voice which talks to you about your inner feelings and your career goals, eggs with literature review, eggs with political viewpoints, eggs with calming effect, eggs with ambition to guide you through the caves where no one has step foot in before.

One large scrambled, two hard-boiled, three easy over, four spiced up, five burried in rocks, six with placentas, seven with chick eyes, eight with siamese twins, nine with type b personality, ten with fallopian tubes.

我是那個離組人員
沒有被發現也沒有人要跟我團圓
我偶然會把你想起但我沒太大勇氣
其實也遺忘何時跟你一起
我沒有動人面孔也不會太易服從
立場我早已說明但有太多不滿的事情

我想把右手敲斷 看看你會否有點不滿
我想從高處墮下 看看你會否重視我的日記
我想流血至死 看看你會否把我記起

努力前進 隱影的人 過度開心
放掉輕心 失去重點 不理危險
(然後)

Sabotage by Beastie Boys

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight, This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In Here
'Cause Your Crystal Ball Ain't So Crystal Clear
So, While You Sit Back And Wonder Why
I Got This Fucking Thorn In My Side
Oh My God, It's A Mirage
I'm Tellin' Y'all It's Sabotage

So,So,So, So Listen Up 'Cause You Can't Say Nothin'
You Shut Me Down With A Push Of Your Button
But yo, I'm Out And I'm Gone
I'll Tell You Now I Keep It On And On dam!

'Cause What You See You Might Not Get
And We Can Bet, So Don't You Get Souped Yet
Scheming On A Thing That's A Mirage
I'm Tryin' To Tell You Now It's Sabotage

Why; Our Backs Are Now Against The Wall
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All Of Y'all This Is Sabotage
Listen All of Y'all This Is Sabotage

I Can't Stand It, I Know You Planned It
I'ma Set It Straight This Watergate
I Can't Stand Rockin' When I'm In This Place
Because I Feel Disgrace Because You're All In My Face
But Make No Mistakes And Switch Up My Channel
I'm Buddy Rich When I Fly OffmThe Handle
What Could It Be, It's all a Mirage
You're Scheming On A Thing That's Sabotage

Variable reinforcement schedule
we ought to spend more time thinking about this.
variable x = random reinforcement schedule X unpredictability of behaviour
let us try this:
we give at random intervals, which means I give you food at unknown times, so you will come back again and again since there is a history of me giving you goodies, but not everytime, of course you will go to other more reliable sources, but those reliable sources may end due to lack of resources or boredom; and so you will still come back to see whether I can provide sweets for you when those reliable resources run out; but at the same time I do not provide to you every time; I just might provide to you. And just the principle of this gets you hooked on requesting from me since you think if you request 100 times there must be at least 1 time that I will respond; but then you don't know my schedule, and so you get frustrated and all these negativeness thoughts occur. so beg me, beg me and maybe i will tell you my schedule of reinforcement.

we are born, we meet, we live, we interact, we love
you feed me, you hold me, you support my weight, you inspire me, you hold me, you open doors, you tell, you restrict, you allow, you teach, you breath, beside me, and let me know, you are my elderly, existence of knowledge, in which I cannot, live without
and your absence, your non existence, your absence your absence in every event in the timeline of my life, can I spare some of my time just to be with you? I love you so.

Forrest, warmness, colours, nature, a glass cubical floating in an urban space,i want to go to tibet, i want to try...sleeping waking, can i try being without materials? 5 days. would anyone go with me?

是由於太煩忙是由於不想花心幾是由於害怕
是由於過分複集是由於沒理由
所以沒找你所以失去某點什麼
我害怕你不關心害怕你沒想起害怕我不是誰人
說出後結果沒改變吧